I’ve had a hard time writing lately.
It’s not that there is nothing to write about. There is a lot going on in my life but I am unable to talk about most of it at this time. Lately things have been difficult. And as I have said before, when things get difficult, I shut down and shut everyone out.
So, today, I am bringing you a vague, but honest update on what’s going on in my life.
A few months ago, my partner and I decided that we want to make some changes in our life. I can’t yet say what those changes are, but I can tell you that CHANGE IS HARD. We’ve been together for a little over 4 years now and it’s amazing to me to look back and see the MANY obstacles and hurdles we’ve overcome in that time. I often think about all the “advice” people throw around about what makes for a happy relationship. People say you should never go to bed angry and to always say I love you before you hang up the phone or leave. The truth is, you will sometimes go to bed angry and sometimes shit just pisses you off and you’re going to slam a door or hang up on your partner. But you know what, it’s ok. Sometimes you have to be pissed off in order to understand one another. In the last 4 years I have learned so much about communication and finding balance. In the past, I was very dependent on my partners. I let them lead me and did what the status quo asked. But with Mia, everything is different. She pushes me to do for myself and it isn’t something I am used too. We’ve grown together and even though we’ve fought and wanted to strangle each other, we always find a way to come back to each other.
With all that said, we’re in a new place. In past relationships, I hit a point where I was done. After 3 or so years, if things weren’t adding up to how I wanted, I was done. I wrote them off and moved on. Though my heart still loved them, my mind knew it was over. This time, it’s different. The feelings in my heart and mind match up. I’ve never been with someone this long and still to the day, every morning I wake up with a renewed sense that I will fight for her in each and every moment. I will never give up. There have been times when I have had my doubts about if we were going to make it, but I never fail to just KNOW that we will find a way to resolve each issue. I do have a fear that one day, she will lose that determination. She never talks about marriage as if it’s a sure thing for our future. In fact, I think the idea terrifies her. She is my favorite part about life, but we can’t always predict what is going on in someone else’s mind. I don’t think she is planning on leaving, but I think everyone fears it. In addition to that, I have always wanted to be a mother. And with Mia, I know she will be the perfect partner to raise a child with. However, I am 30 years old and I fear that I am rapidly losing the opportunity to realize that dream. She talks of wanting children, but as each day passes, its a reminder that I am not a mother. I honestly don’t know between my health and my circumstances that I will have that. I don’t believe that having a child means you are successful in life. That is not a goal that everyone needs to have. Children do not measure our worth as people. But it is something that I want for myself. It is something that I have ALWAYS wanted. I don’t know if it is going to happen and for that I am scared.
My health is as always, an ongoing worry. My most recent labs were ok. Not great, as my thyroid doesn’t want to seem to stabilize, but I am thankful to have a great doctor that never stops working to help me feel better and get back on track. I’ve been losing weight fairly consistently lately and I think that is part of what’s throwing me off. Every time I start to stabilize, I lose weight and my numbers go nuts. Losing weight has been a goal since middle school. As I have said before, I have been overweight since puberty and it only grew worse as I got older. In 2011 after an accident in which I broke my knee cap and tore my meniscus, I grew to my heaviest at 265 (give or take a few pounds, I avoided the scale as much as possible and only saw it at the doctor). Since then, I have fought HARD to lose the weight. On Monday I weighed in at 194.2lbs. To many people that is still a very high number and one they would be ashamed to share with the world. But I am proud of that number. I have fluctuated up and down with weight loss in the last 6 years. I stayed at a steady rhythm of bouncing between 215 and 205. I have held that fluctuation for almost a year now. I have found out recently that I have issues with my blood sugar. So the newest addition to my ever growing home pharmacy is helping with that. My blood sugar is starting to regulate and I am losing weight. So while it’s a good thing, it is also causing some negative side effects. What a vicious cycle.
My mental health is improving. When I first started seeing my current therapist, she described me as Flat and disconnected from life. It was as if I saw everything in life as an issue and had a hard time seeing what were actually problems and the solutions to them. Now, I am more focused and can name specific attributes that are causing me to stress. Because I can name them, I can seek out solutions to them. I am not saying that everything is easy peasy. It most certainly is NOT. Sometimes being able to identify the issues gives me extra anxiety about them. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts and feelings of inadequacy. I still fight the ever moving carousel of Bi Polar disorder. That will always be there. As I am learning how to navigate through it, I am worried that I will fall backwards and “relapse” into unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms.
I’ve missed a lot of work the past year due to my health and mental status. This only contributes to the ongoing elevation of stress and triggers in my life. I feel like I am always one step behind and I will never get caught up to where I should be. I know I can do better than what I have and it is absolutely crushing to know I am not giving work my best efforts. The thing is, I don’t’ know where my effort, my gumption, to excel has hidden. I know it’s in the abscesses of my soul SOMEWHERE but I have been unable to draw it out. I feel as though I am caught in quicksand.
This week has been especially troubling. Tuesday morning I woke up, showered and was getting ready for work when I started feeling dizzy and shaky with a sheen of cold sweat. I couldn’t make it to work and spent the entire day lying in bed coughing and trying to sleep even though my brain would not shut off. Wednesday evening, I nearly passed out. I saw spots and felt myself falling to the floor. There was nothing I could do to stop the weight of the world from crushing me down. Yesterday while at work I experienced a sudden bought of nausea and ended up getting sick all over myself. It is a low place of mind when you are washing vomit off of your shirt in the bathroom sink. I made it home to shower and rest but again, my mind was full of fearful and dark thoughts. Will I ever be “better”? Will I ever not feel this way? I have broken out in some sort of weird rashes. I have clear/white bumps popping up on my hands and read streaking lines of bumps on my arms, neck, shoulders, and chest. I have no idea what is causing this, other than perhaps stress.
Life is hard friends. Things are scary and I am fearful that the cycle will only continue. I needed to write and to get all of these thoughts out of my mind. I have held everything in for so long and it’s starting to drown me. I have wanted to do nothing but hide in my books and playing games on my phone. It’s like, if I can escape into this fictional worlds and mindless games, I don’t have to face the reality of life. Inside my heart, I want to enjoy life and feel the joy of overcoming these mountains. Sometimes it’s just so hard to find the motivation to do so.
My dear friend Liz of LizaJane Chronicles wrote a blog yesterday that reminded me that I NEED to share my feelings. Holding things on only works to make you even more isolated. We have to lean on our tribe from time to time and make ourselves open up. We are social creatures by nature, even though some of us are introverted. We still need to connect to other people in this world.
My parting words to you today are this. Never stop reaching out to the world around you. Always find and outlet for your fears. If you have to write it out and burn the paper, do so, but don’t hold everything in. Fight for yourself.
I love you all.
To read Liz’s blog post, click here..