I am tired…
… of being made out to be the bad guy when all I ever did was fight for them and beside them.
… of things in my life constantly breaking or falling apart.
… of being asked to explain myself.
… of my words and actions being twisted and manipulated and given a meaning that wasn’t the original intent.
… of people who read into actions and refuse to see the good hearted innocent love and only wish to see the potential for crisis or wrong doing.
… of pouring money into people who turn and leave when they get what they desired. Not once stopping to think of what I have sacrificed for them.
… of never having an opportunity to get ahead because I burned out my resources helping others.
… of putting myself last.
… of being scolded when I do put myself first.
… of my needs, my desires, my wants not having any merit or value; being left to rust in the shadows of others’.
… of working so hard and having so little to show for it.
… of feeling the empty hollow ache in my stomach.
… of watching my dreams dance in my head wondering if they will ever get to be more than just visions.
… of being flooded with memories that burn my insides and make me shudder over again.
… of being shamed for my past mistakes. Especially the ones I have openly admitted.
… of feeling like I will never satisfy anyone.
… of double standards.
… of being accused of cuffing chains when I have slaved so hard to free my accusers from them.
… of being told my illnesses aren’t real, or that they are an excuse.
… of being put into a neat little box and expected to be perfect.
… of not exceeded everyone’s expectations and letting it cut me down.
… of my thoughts and feelings being made out as less important.
I am messy, and chaotic and simple and complex. My thoughts are stories waiting to be penned and I am not going to be told that I need to quiet them. I have given my love and support to so many that there is very little left for myself. I have to rebuild this fierce woman inside of me. I have to stop letting others use sharp cutting remarks to bring me into submission and to shut me down. I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be. I am however human. I have feelings too and I have a right to them just as much as anyone else has to theirs. I am growing. I am getting more confident. I am working on me. I will be the best version of myself that is possible.
Feel offended by this post?
Maybe you are one of the ones who have shut me down time and again. Maybe you need to look at our history and see what I have done for you and then ask yourself if I ever asked for anything in return. And what did you give back to me or even pay forward to someone else? Or maybe it wasn’t even me you were hurtful too, maybe it was someone else and you need to work with that person. Whatever it is, whoever you are and whoever relates to this post in anyway; the point is that we as humans have to stop belittling each other and work on building ourselves and those around us up. Use kinder words. Smile more often. And most of all, think about how your words and actions might feel if you were on the receiving end. Are they true? Are they necessary? Are they kind?
I don’t mean to come off as rude or arrogant. I know I am no better than anyone else; but I am equal, I am not less, and I am done with being treated as such. I have standards. Its long past time that I raised them.