I feel like I don’t know how to breathe. I feel like I can’t remember how to make the air enter my lungs and then exit again. Everything is stagnant. Still. Frozen. Every process requires so much thought and I can’t comprehend them all at the same time. They are multiplying faster than I can keep up. You know how when too many cars are trying to enter a highway at once and it creates a traffic jam, and more cars continue to creep up and the traffic keeps slowing down because there are just too many cars for this road. And cars start bumping other cars and create accidents and problems and the whole thing snowballs more and more until eventually no cars are moving and there are lines backed up to get on the road. That is what is happening in my brain. There is not room for any more and yet they keep coming. The issues are piling up and I feel like it’s going to take a giant fucking bull dozer to come in and just wipe everything away.
But let’s face is, there are no bulldozers for life. You can’t just expect that one day something is going to happen and all the mess will just go away. You can’t do that. You have to widen the road, broaden your mind. Grow with it. You have to look at each little issue, all the little “accidents”, and you have to sort them out. You have to assign responsibility and start repairing the cracks. You have to be a mature grown up. That’s the sucky part. Its that I know what needs done, but doing it is SO overwhelming and it all just seems like too much. How do you start the process? How do you figure out where to work on first?
The thing is life just doesn’t stop so you can go start up the bull dozer. You have to create a way for the traffic to keep flowing while you simultaneously fix the bumps and lumps. You have to work for it and hope not to find too many casualties along the way.