Sometimes I find myself going back and reading old blogs. I don’t always feel like the person who wrote them. Sometimes I am amazed at the clarity and thought that are put into the flowing organized paragraphs. Then other times, I read something and I think “Why the fuck did I write that, let alone post it?!”
Life is like that a lot for me. Some days are clear and bright and I can accomplish a million things, other days, it’s like sifting through mud looking for lost artifacts in a tornado.
It’s not that any one thing is brining me down, or that life is just so terrible that I can’t function, but I find myself looking at the world around me and feeling so unsatisfied. I want more from life. I want to do things that bring the world happiness and better it for the next person. I am not doing enough of that lately.
So what have I been doing? Living, to put it simply. I get up every morning, shower, get dressed, dry my hair, do my makeup, kiss my girl, and head to work. I process applications and renewals and answer questions and share with my coworkers about the ups and downs. I go home, I work out, I make dinner and I pick up around the house. I spend the evenings with my lady talking, watching TV, playing with our fur-babies and growing closer. After my morning workout, I spend Saturday mornings around the house catching up what I missed during the week, and then usually head to help out around the tattoo shop. Sundays are grocery shopping, relaxing and prepping for the week ahead.
Recently, I had the best report from my doctor yet regarding my Hashis/Hypo. My doctor tells me that I have “graduated”. All of my labs have been excellent for the last 3 rounds. I now only have to report back every 4 months instead of every 4 weeks. This is grand news. This time last year I was unable to do half of the things I can do now. I couldn’t think about exercise, I hadn’t gotten a handle on my eating plan, and I was still feeling pretty shitty most of the time.
Now, I try to plan out every meal. (Thank god my woman is patient with me and willing to try new things!) I exercise in some fashion every day. I still struggle with taking all of my meds, but I am getting better about it. It’s the days that I don’t take them, or I get really lazy that end up foggy. Over all, I am well.
I am not unhappy.
I am in a routine though and I need to shake up this routine. I need a road trip with my lady or new adventure. I’ve been retreating more into myself and reaching out less. I’ve also been writing much less. I am starting to feel the effects of the Wellbutrin strongly. It does a great job of keeping me from getting too depressed or angry, but it also keeps me from getting too excited or inspired.
I feel vanilla. Bland. Robotic.
What inspires you? What makes you happy? What brightens your days?
I have been contemplating going back to school. I took some classes shortly after high school but ended up withdrawing after the deaths of my two close friends. I didn’t go back when I should have and I let life get in the way after that. Now, I think about the aspirations that I had then, and where life has led me since. I feel like I am destined for more than where I am right now. I am unsure however, on how to find the right path for myself.
Please understand that I am not saying that I don’t like my life where it is. I have a wonderful partner and a fantastic job. I have a great home that is becoming more comfortable every day. I just feel like there is more out there. I have more to offer the world than what I am giving. I am ready to give more of myself.