We have all had friends that we felt extremely close too and for some reason or another, those friendships end. Sometimes when this happens, it can feel as badly, sometimes worse, than a break up. You know this, I know this, and everyone in the world knows this. But when it happens, it still shocks and stings. There is no easy way to prepare for that kind of hurt.
I lost a friend this week; a friend that I had come to love as a sister. I am still trying to process what happened.
About a year ago I met this girl online. She was feisty, fun, and insanely imaginative. Her creative spark and the way she never took no for an answer immediately drew me in. This woman was strong and capable and very quick witted. She made me laugh with hysterics and never hesitated to state her opinion. She was strong and smart and her intellect shined in every aspect that she put out. Her commitment to positivity inspired many of the people she came into contact with.
She and I worked together on several projects, usually with like-minded ideas. A bond formed and we began to talk daily. Though, I had never physically met this woman, I felt a kindred spirit in her.
Sometime over the last few months, something changed in our friendship. We both were busy with life changes and our daily talks were becoming shorter and shorter, eventually turning to be only short words every few days.
My dear friend seemed to be irritated with me. I couldn’t totally blame her. With the way my life was going, I couldn’t be online as much to chat and catch up. I had little access to the internet, so there was increased pressure on my friend to step in where I was lacking on our commitments. My friend finally spoke up and alluded that she was, in fact, pissed off at me. I messaged her, and as she was explaining the reasons that she felt hurt by me, it became apparent that the level of her frustration with me, was much higher than I realized. She and I were talking and discussing these things when my phone died.
I am not sure about what happened after that.
I am assuming that when my phone died, she thought I had just given up on trying to talk to her. When my phone turned back on the next day, this friend had blocked me from not only her personal page, but on many of the projects we had worked on together. She basically deleted me from her life in every aspect that she could. Part of me wonders if this friend had been someone I knew face to face in my daily life, if things would have transpired differently. That, because we were “internet friends” it was just easier for her to hit delete, unfriend, disappear, than it would have been to work things out. But, I don’t know that for sure. More likely, she was just that pissed off at me that it wouldn’t have mattered how we met or how many times we had hung out, she probably still would have cut me out.
Why do I care about someone I have never met?
Well, it’s simple, she was my friend. There is no rule on what defines a friendship. Relationships with people can be built from a multitude of beginnings. No matter where or how a friendships starts, it is still a friendship. The fact that we had never met in person, does not negate that fact that we shared secrets, confided in one another, supported one another, and inspired one another.
So here I am now, reeling over this broken friendship. I don’t know what to do to repair it, if I even can. I never intended to hurt my friend but I did. I am sorry that I let her down.
To her, and to all of my friends, in “real life” and in the “virtual world”, I am sorry that I let the issues of my everyday life get in the way of my commitments to you as a friend. I am sorry that I didn’t show you what you mean to me. I am sorry that I have not contacted you sooner or reached out to you more often.
I love you and I want to make my wrongs right.