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Secrets

We all have secrets. One thing I love about writer/singer/blogger Mary Lambert is that she has written a song about My Secrets. Ok, not really but her song “Secrets” feels like my theme song. Let me break it down for you….

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“Secrets”

I’ve got bi-polar disorder (Diagnosed in 2003)

My shit’s not in order (https://dimplesinprogress.wordpress.com/2015/05/15/pills/)

I’m overweight (Heaviest being 264, currently around 210 and going lower, thank you thyroid!)

I’m always late (Always)

I’ve got too many things to say (https://dimplesinprogress.wordpress.com/2015/05/22/blank-paper/)

I rock mom jeans, cat earrings (I actually have a pair of black cat earrings.)

Extrapolate my feelings (I have opinions based off of my life experiences.)

My family is dysfunctional (Duh)

But we have a good time killing each other

[Pre-Chorus:]

They tell us from the time we’re young

To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves

Inside ourselves

I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else

Well I’m over it

[Chorus:]

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)

So-o-o-o-o what

So what So what So what

I can’t think straight, I’m so gay (Lesbian actually, realized young, in a committed relationship with an amazing woman!)

Sometimes I cry a whole day (https://dimplesinprogress.wordpress.com/2015/05/27/cotton-coated-tears/)

I care a lot, use an analog clock (Its hanging in the living room and drives my lady mad with the ticking)

And never know when to stop (I am stubborn)

And I’m passive, aggressive (I don’t like conflict, but I like my voice to be heard)

I’m scared of the dark and the dentist(But I am thankful for good insurance to go to the Shrink and the Dentist!)

I love my butt and won’t shut up (I think if you replaced this line with ‘eyes” it would ring even more true)

And I never really grew up (And I don’t know that I ever will

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus:]

 

Did you read those words? Do you see how I relate to this song? I am at the point in my life where I really don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are. I feel like by letting them and getting them out there for the world to read, I am releasing them and the hold that many of those dark, sad, difficult secrets have held over me. Secrets sometimes hold us down. They become heavy and over bearing and start to wear us down. I have carried my own secrets and secrets for others sometimes for far too many years. I once lived in such a secret that my life started to feel like lies. I did it for love, but it was unhealthy and damaged my heart and mind much more than I should have ever allowed.

The thing is, I no longer feel like the many diagnosis I have on my rap sheet are what define me. They are doctors reasoning behind symptoms that I have, but they are not WHO I am. Having bi-polar disorder, or hypothyroidism, or PTSD, or any of the many other multi-lettered disorders has not made up the person inside me. I have realized that while these things are not desirable, they are not my fault. They could not be avoided. It is not something that I did wrong. This was hard for me. I have always placed blame on myself for many things in my life. But I didn’t tell my mind to be dysfunctional. I didn’t tell my body to be unable to properly support my immune system or my thyroid. Sometimes these things just happen. Some people get depressed. I am not hiding myself any more.

I have fun secrets too, I like to color. There is something cathartic about opening a coloring book, picking out a pictures and filling the lines in with those sharpened colored pencils. Not many people know that sort of thing about me. Or that I have a slightly concerning obsession with Monkeys and Minions.

My point is, I am not ashamed of these things. I am transparent. Here I am. This is who I am. I write, I curse, I color my hair, and I have an addiction to food. I love dogs, but I am a true cat person. I think marijuana should be legalized and used for more products in the manufacturing industry. I have freckles and I still drink mountain dew on occasion. I am human. I am in love. I make mistakes. Some days, I don’t work very much when I should. And in all of these things, my heart feels lighter by not fearing who knows.

-XoXo Dimples

p.s. Mary Lambert’s work can be found on her website http://www.marylambertsings.com/ . She is a wonderful, beautiful, amazing, talented woman. I hope to meet her some day and hope I have the opportunity to see her perform.

p.p.s, Take a look at the music video for “Secrets” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqqqV50zaAc

p.p.s.s. I would never give away anyone else’s secrets. Just because I have come to a point where I can let go of my own personal demons, does not mean that I would ever jeopardize the trust anyone has placed in me. I promise, a secret left with me is a secret safe with me. ❤

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