Every day, numerous times a day, I start blogs in my head. I am not always in a place where I can stop what I am doing and write, or type out the thoughts ping ponging around in my head. And lately, there have been so many. Thoughts about life, happiness, health, religion, death, relationships, morals, energy, sex, love, work. All of these things come to mind daily and I think about how to bring them to you in a pleasing and uplifting way. But, you know what? It isn’t always easy to put together an inspirational piece of work that uplifts people and brings them happiness or makes them think. And sometimes, oftentimes, when I do, it leaves me feeling worn out and depressed. I have been so focused on the good things and the bright things, that I have been pushing down the choking blackness in the back of my mind. But I can’t always ignore it. Sometimes it feels like it is physically choking me, sucking the air and life out of me. My lungs ache and my head spins, tears burn at my eye lids and threaten to fall over the brim. My hands shake, my stomach quivers, clenches, and then tightens, and I can feel the acid rising in my throat.
I have always battled these feelings. For as long as I can remember I have had spans of time consumed with a monotony of bleakness. Moment after moment, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, years after years of just sadness. All consuming sadness. Sometimes I don’t want to move. I just want to lie amongst the pillows and the blankets and hide in my world of cotton coated tears. The idea of standing is dizzying and overwhelming.
This kind of depression is hollowing and after a while begins to numb you. You start to lose grips with the differences between pain and regular feelings. When every day the pain is deepening, it gets to a point that it can’t get any deeper. It covers every part of your heart. It fills every corner of your soul and your mind. You become so saturated with dark pain that you know nothing else. You live with it. You know it. You understand how to survive it. You grow a tolerance to pain. You become used to it. And life starts to only make sense with it.
Eventually though you will want to feel something again. Being as that you can’t feel anything but pain and that pain is so normal to you, you feel numb; you are going to crave other feelings. So you reach out; sometimes to other people, sometimes to substances, sometimes to other means all together. I know I have tried them all, and here is what I have found. People are going to let you down. You cannot rely on anyone to always be there. As much as you want them to be, no one else in this world can be the cause of your happiness. No one else can figure out what takes your pain away. You can have help from people. They can give you hand, but no one can find your happiness for you. And you can’t put all of your faith in one person. Not only are you going to be bound for disappointment, you are putting a tremendous amount of unfair pressure on them. I’ve been on both sides of it and neither side is fun or ok. I have tried to rely on people and I always end up disappointed. And I have tried to be the one to “save” people, and I just can’t do it. People aren’t capable of saving each other in that regard. We have to save ourselves. Substances are only going to worsen the situation. They may make you feel things for a little while, but they are going to be false things, and the feeling isn’t going to last. It’s a mirage of true feelings brought out of your psyche by a chemical. Only the mirage is warped and it isn’t an exact representation of what you want or feel. You are most likely going to cause irreparable damage when you are in pain and you add a substance to the mix. I’ve tried it. You think you can finally say what you feel because those inhibitions are loosened and what comes out isn’t coming out right and you end up hurting someone you love. Or you end up going home with someone thinking you could just party and let loose and feel free, and then he ends up raping you in his mother’s basement. Substances fuck us up. They trick us into thinking everything is going to be ok when it’s not. The after affect is just as bad. You finally get the shit out of your system and you have to deal with the repercussions, which makes the original pain and depression even worse.
There are a variety of other just as sickening, horrible methods that people like me and so many others I know have used for coping with depression and attempting to feel anything but the numbness it brings. Eating disorders, cutting, and suicide are just a few. But the end game is all the same. It doesn’t end the cycle. None of these methods are going to stop depression in its tracks.
What I can recommend are some healthy alternatives. Not that any of them will stop it altogether. At least, they haven’t for me, but they help. They lessen the weeks to days, sometimes to hours. Try taking a deep breath. Sounds silly, you breathe all the time, but try it. Take a FOCUSED breath. Plant your feet flat on the ground and sit up straight while you inhale for 6 seconds. Feel the air go in through your nose and travel down to your lungs. Then feel it go in reverse, out through your nose. Feel the energy go from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Do that ten times. How do you feel? Go for a walk. Put on your shoes, and walk. You don’t need to have a set destination in mind, and who cares if it’s raining, a little puddle jumping might be fun. Read a book. Immerse yourself in someone else’s world for a while. Hear the thoughts they have, and see the world from someone else’s eyes. Not only will it take your mind out of your situation, it just may give you some insight. Have tea with a friend. Talk about your thoughts and feelings. Ask for advice. While you can’t rely on that person 100% of the time, an occasional pick me up is a good thing. If you are a spiritual person, spend time meditating or praying to your God/dess.
I don’t mean to be so sullen and down trodden today. I am feeling blue and stuck in my emotions. Writing has always been my way of releasing emotions into the world. I need to get things out or they stay stuck cycling and circling in my head and leave me either manic or depressed. I am not eager to feel either of those ways right now and am hoping that this little vent session will help prevent such a thing from occurring. I appreciate you all listening as I work through my struggles and issues.
P.S. If you ever feel suicidal, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone or to call the national suicide hotline @ 1-800-273-8255. The line is available 24/7.